Red Shoes Presentation

This was a presentation I gave to a MOP's group in May of 2006

“But watch out! Be careful to never forget what you have seen the Lord to for you. Do not let these things escape your mind for as long as you live. And be sure to pass them on to your children and grandchildren”. Deuteronomy 4:9

There’s a line that says, “If you want to make God laugh tell Him your plans.” I’ve probably
made God roll with laughter at times with some of my plans.

I’m a dreamer… I always have been. I was the little girl who would imagine what life would be when I was all grown up. How many children I would have, what my husband would be like, where we would live, and on and on. I must have driven my mom and sisters crazy asking them if they thought I’d met the man I would marry yet! By the time I graduated from college and finished my first year of teaching I was beginning to get a little impatient with God. When would I finally meet that special man I'd been praying for for a lifetime?

It just so happens that, that was the summer! I met Brian and after five months of dating we got engaged. We were married six months later. Little did I know what God had in store for us. We enjoyed our time as newly weds, and I found that I had married a man that liked to dream as much as I. We talked about our plans, our goals and our future family. About two years after we were married we found out that we were expecting! We were thrilled! We talked about what our baby would look like, who he or she might take after and so on. Toward the end of the first trimester I started spotting and the next day an ultrasound confirmed our worst fears.

We were so sad. From the moment you find out that you are expecting, you have hopes and dreams for that child. That was the worst Christmas of my life. As candles flickered during the Christmas Eve service, it was excruciating to observe mothers and fathers embracing their little ones, as I sat there mourning for the child I would never hold.

About four months later, we were ready to try again. But again we suffered through another miscarriage. I was in anguish. What was God doing to us? This certainly wasn’t in my plans!

I just knew that something had to be wrong with me. I was so sad and felt so inadequate. Why couldn’t my body just do what it was designed to do?

During this time I was a high school counselor. I really enjoyed my career, but there was one day that I will never forget. I had a student who confided in me that she had just had an abortion. She was extremely sad about it and trying to understand everything that had happened. How hard it was for me to be her counselor in that moment. I really just wanted to run out of my office sobbing. I pleaded with God to let me be a mother.

Through my friend next door, who was dealing with infertility, I learned of a doctor who specializes in repeated miscarriages. She invited me to go along with her to her appointment.

I felt an instant bond with the nurses and staff at Pope Paul VI Institute. It just felt different than a regular doctor’s office. I asked them about my situation and for the first time felt hopeful and encouraged. I can say the same for my spiritual life as well. If I had to deal with this, I thought it was amazing that God would give me a neighbor who could make this journey with me. We went on many walks together…talking, crying, and hoping.

Through a long series of ultrasounds, hormone evaluations, and two surgeries, I finally had some answers. Within three months I was pregnant and delighted, but very cautiously optimistic. I was so excited, but really felt robbed of a normal pregnancy. I tried not to get too excited, and you can tell yourself that, but you still are. It’s a life, how can you not be?

Aside from taking Progesterone injections twice a week, my pregnancy went very well. However, on January 1st (33 weeks into my pregnancy) I started having contractions. I thought that they were probably just the Braxton Hicks contractions. Later that afternoon I decided that I should probably call my doctor. My husband and I went to the hospital. We didn’t even take a bag because we thought we’d be coming home.

Once again, my plans were different than God's. I was in labor. I was very scared, but calm at the same time. By the next morning I gave birth to our son who you know as Red Shoes.

You know how you read up on labor and delivery and you envision the birth of your child? I didn’t read any book or magazine that could have prepared me for what we would come next...

Once Red Shoes was born we waited to hear that wonderful cry that every parent anticipates. We waited and waited and waited…We could see on the faces of the nurses and doctors that something was terribly wrong. We just sat there and watched in horror. Our new baby wasn’t breathing, and he was turning blue.

My husband and I were terrified watching him struggle to live. We just held on to each other and prayed to God to please, please save our baby. I really feel that in that moment the Lord embraced us and said, I’m here, I’m with you”.

Red Shoes had to be recessitated, and intibated, so a machine began breathing for him. The looks on the faces of the doctors and nurses became a little more reassuring.

There would be no chance at that time to put my precious baby up to my chest, I didn’t even really get to see what he looked like. Once they were able to get him stabilized a transport crew from Children’s Mercy Hospital came and picked up our son. They were wonderful at explaining what was happening and what we could expect.

So, Red Shoes was en route to Kansas City and I was stuck at a different hospital. Again, not how I had planned.

Looking back on the day of Red Shoe’s birth there’s specific people and situations that are still very vivid to me. My dad is a Christian, but isn’t usually the first to offer up prayer. He’s one that recites the same prayer at every mealtime. While our family was in my hospital room and Red Shoes was on his way to Kansas City, my dad said, “I think we should pray”. And he did and he prayed for our son and also said something about how things don’t always work out the way that we want them to, but in all things may God get the glory. I can’t explain how encouraging and empowering it was to have my dad pray for our son and our family.

I believe that there were many people who were orchestrated by God throughout our situation. At the hospital where Red Shoes was born there was a doctor who really comforted my family. To this day they still speak of him kindly. They said it felt like he was an angel.

I had that experience in the NICU. There was a nurse who had such a gentle spirit. Here was my baby all hooked up to machines and lines… I wanted to touch him, but I didn’t even know if I could. It didn’t really even feel like he was mine.

Because Red Shoes was early we had to be careful not to stimulate him too much. The nurse was so nice to me and so reassuring. Teaching me where I could touch him and telling me what was going on. There were so many wires and monitors it was pretty daunting. We weren’t able to hold Red Shoes for two weeks. And even then, it was scary.

It was through the grace of God and the prayers of so many that we were able to sustain the long days filled with awaiting the results of medical tests and suggestions of varying medical problems that our son could possibly face. The first week was very difficult.

Red Shoes ended up staying at Children’s Mercy for 62 days. My husband who had to be at work by 4 am would many times go visit Red Shoes before he went to work. I would go see him in the mornings and stay for the day. Then my husband would get off work and come to the hospital where we would hold him for a few more hours, go eat in the hospital cafeteria and then go home. It was just awful leaving him. We waited with great anticipation for the day in which we could take him home.

Red Shoes had to undergo a surgery to repair his Choanal Atresia, which is a blockage in the nose. That’s why he was unable to breathe. It was after that surgery (about 30 days after he was born) that I got to feed him for the first time! I could have just wept with pure joy for my appreciation of that moment. Our son's nose healed too well and he had to receive another surgery. This one was successful, and do date, no other surgeries have been needed.

We will always have a special place in our hearts for the nurses and doctors at Children’s Mercy. I even remember one special cafeteria worker who brought joy to my heart whenever she was working. I feel that she, along with many others were placed there for a very divine reason.

Red Shoes is doing well now. He receives physical therapy, occupational therapy and speech. He is pretty small for his age and has some developmental delays, but he is such joy and a blessing to our lives! His smile can just light up the world. My husband and I are so proud to be his parents. He is everything we had ever hoped for.

Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

The Lord has prospered our family and has given us a beautiful future and even better, an eternal hope in Him. My own plans could not have been this wonderful. Through our struggles, my husband and I developed an even stronger love for one another, and an everlasting gratitude to God for sparing our son.

God carried us through our time of despair, grief and confusion, and He will do the same for you. Maybe not with the outcome you hope for, but he will sustain you through your moments of sorrow and sadness, whatever and whenever those moments are, if you just let him.

I share my story with you today, not so that you can be sorrowful, but rather that you can delight in what God does, and how he cares for his people. Everyone has a different story…but everyone has the same need…a need for a personal Savior.

I’m also happy to report that there’s a new baby next door. In March, my friend gave birth to a healthy baby boy. These days we are thrilled to take our boys with us as we take our long walks. There’s still a lot of talking and hoping, just not nearly as much crying!

So, on this Mother’s Day I ask you to take a little time to thank God for your family. And don’t forget to pray for the many women who are struggling to have a family of their own.


This is a video I shared with a MOP's group a few years ago. Pin It